To: Democratic Party of Japan Diet Members
From: The Lord of the Underworld
It has come to my attention that there has been some disquiet regarding the pact made with me in April of 2006. To be more precise, I have heard through intermediaries of a vote having been taken on Friday, November 2, the Year of My Tormentor 2007, wherein you—that is both you individually and as a group—have, for no reason that I can fathom—suddenly decided you have souls that are worth saving.
This is not possible.
Please recall that in return for one elections genius—admittedly a used one, but still able to pull off smashing victories, as you found out to your delight—you, that is both you individually and as a group—sold your souls unto me.
I do not forget that in the past you were moral, upstanding, honest, frugal, serious but with a youthful flair. I also recall that Mr. Koizumi stole every bit of your program (contrary to some of the more colorful monologues of members of your party, Mr. K is not one my employees...though I have a full time position with benefits waiting for him if he ever wants it). This left you with nothing...and after that lovely little bit of business with the email, you had less than nothing.
So you came to me.
I offered to you a toad-faced, weak-constitutioned, LDP Tanaka-faction birthed backroom specialist who had busted up more parties than any of you had ever been a part of (and some of you have been members of quite a few)...and you took my offer.
Now, I am not unfond of irony...but I do take offense at misrepresentation. It seems that some attendees at the Friday evening meeting claimed that as members of the Democratic Party they had an obligation, nay, a duty to oppose the LDP and its political program. Am I right in thinking that the persons making such claims are members of the same so-called Democratic Party that prior to the elections of July, promised farmers subsidies? That did not show outrage at the budgetary implications of their promises? That guaranteed prosperity in every prefecture through government action? That joined hands with the Kokumin Shintō, acquiescing to that party's demand for a joint bill slowing down the privatization of the post office to a crawl?
Which party's traditional policies do these most resemble?
Now as I recall, on July 30 of this year you all looked terribly pleased at the results of your having sacrificed--on the grounds of political expediency--what were once your most sacred principles.
I find your sudden wish to appear virtuous dishonest and frankly offensive.
To whit, your souls shall not be returned. All sales of souls are final.
His Satanic Majesty, Me
P.S. I am advised by the Legal Department that self-abnegation, confession of sins and penitence offers hope of salvation...but it is only a hope.
Anyway you did not hear about this from me.